Assessing My Assets

Winter is over,and now I am being forced out of my hidey hole.  Weather, kids, school meetings and the need to find a part-time job means I must put together a wardrobe.  Of course before I can put together a wardrobe I must put together myself.  For Easter I put on a nice pair of jeans, and a nice new sort of sexy see through sweater my mom had given me for Christmas.  I added some makeup and did up my hair.  At my mother’s house, three different relatives pulled me aside to ask if I was pregnant.  My sister asked if was going to sue the hairdresser that “did that to your hair”, and my father told me I looked older than him.  My family is very honest and blunt.

The other day I stepped on a scale and it screamed in pain.  I took off my clothes and looked in the mirror, the reflection looked back at me and simply said, “No.”  Age, gravity and bacon are clearly not my friends.  If I wore a tankini this summer I could catch small animals and toddlers in my stretch marks.  My stomach is trying to visit my knees, my thighs and hips want to visit the walls, and my tush needs warning lights for those behind me.  Before I nursed two children I had two smallish to average breasts that did not sag.  Now I have two limp socks that I can just roll up and tuck into my armpits.

I bought a new bra at Victoria Secrets.  I put it on and I fit my breasts and an echo inside.  There is enough foam in the cups that I could be felt up for an hour and never notice it.  If I fall into the ocean wearing this thing I will not drown.  I own over ten pairs of jeans.  Not one pair fits completely.  If the waist fits, the legs are too long or the bum is too tight.  If the legs or bum area fits perfect, then the waist is in danger of visiting my ankles.  There is no winning.  When I put on my nice black pants, this fleshy roll crept out and over the waist, I swear my belly button grinned maliciously at me.

As for my hair I will admit I enjoy coloring it, perhaps a bit too much.  Brushing and coloring are about as far as I have gone.  I could never style my hair well, even when I had the time to.  I bought a teasing comb and some aqua net.  The comb got caught in the nest that I had teased up and then I accidentally mixed up my hairspray with my spray on deodorant.  Now my hair wont perspire and my arms are straight up.  The hair color I bought was the wrong color and now my hair is two shades of red, three streaks of blonde and has the consistency of hay.  I now cannot go near any livestock for fear they will eat my head.

No, I don’t think I am ready to face the world.  I don’t want to go to jail for accidentally causing folks death by laughter.  I will throw a caftan on, grab my mp3 player and start walking every day while munching on Cheerios and carrots.  If I see an ice cream truck, I might even run.


2 thoughts on “Assessing My Assets

  1. yes, it really happened. though my sister worded her comments on my hair a bit differently but it was still negative, but she has the same sarcastic dark humor.
    everyone believed i was pregnant and i was horrified…but used to it…lol

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