I Will Call The Doctor…Soon

Last year my grandmother broke her leg in November, left it untreated until after December so she wouldn’t be in the way of Christmas.  None of us were surprised by this and I completely understood it.  We are a bit deranged when it comes to our health in our family.  My father had the symptoms of a heart attack at work two years ago.  He called my younger brother to drop him off at his General Practitioners office then gave him instructions to tell no one unless he died.  The females in our family line get a fibroid, we each wait until it becomes a football before having it removed. Don’t ask why, it just is that way.

A week or two ago, Chris and I had the flu.  Sore throats, achy bodies, the usual junk that goes with it.  His went away and mine seemed to have settled in my chest.  I cannot stop this deep coughing nor can I catch my breath.  Here comes the fun.  First I will wipe out every pharmacy of every congestion/cough medicine ever made, if this doesn’t work (which it won’t) I will then go the home remedy route.  I will drink teas that are passed down by gypsies, gulp down gluck created by medieval monks and wear a poultice  guaranteed to drive away werewolves, vampires and medical workers.  I will suck down chicken soup, vitamins, zinc and use up my albuterol inhaler.  None of this works.

When I breath I sound like Darth Vader, when I speak I sound like the Godfather.   My new nickname among friends is Typhoid Mary and I look like an extra from a zombie movie.  Every person that speaks to me on the phone assures me I sound terrible and no one wants to come anywhere near me.  Chris tells me that if I a make him a widow he will remarry a young energetic woman who loves kids and housework.  He wants me to hold on long enough to complete building the laboratory to create her in.

It took me one hour to make dinner last night.  I made frozen chicken nuggets and canned corn.  By six p.m. I was asleep and starting at nine, I woke up every half hour to cough until I got up at six a.m. this morning.  Breakfast was easy to make, I just never realized how far away the kitchen was before or how heavy the cereal boxes were.  This morning the kids and Chris spoke to me about my little coughing issue.

“Mom, go to the doctor.  You didn’t wake me up today, you sat on me then coughed in my ear.”

“I will take some cough medicine right after I finish setting up school lunches.”

“No. I am setting up school lunches. You are leaning your head against the kitchen counter, heavy breathing at the toaster which you have been doing for twenty minutes now.  Call the doctor. If you drop dead and leave me to raise the children on my own, I will find a way to reanimate you from the dead to get my revenge.”

“Ma, if you cough to death can  I have your make up and hair stuff?”

So with the encouragement of  my family I went off to the doctor.  They gave me antibiotics and a breathing treatment.  The doctor told me I had sinusitis, bronchitis and that it would be a moot point to give me a flu shot.  I am now back home, still coughing but with more medicine to take.  Now its a matter of resting till I feel better.  And so the cycle continues.


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