just…Epic Fail..Please Try Again Later….

Everyone has little failings…at least one thing you just cannot do well, or maybe you are clumsy, or have trouble remembering names…

Well, I was thinking about that today and realised I have quite a few little issues.

Here are the main ones that I have no idea how to fix:

Geography was never a strong point for me.  I cannot read or create a map.  If someone asks me for directions to our corner store I will inevitably give them  directions to Cambridge.  (I live in Salem)


I have never been good with math either.  I graduated High School taking two Basic Math courses.  Calculators don’t like me and its hard to count in public when I cannot take off my shoes (it seems to make cashiers nervous)


Fashion is another failure for me.  I never figured out what to wear or how to wear it.  Never mind the hair thing…as for make-up, well, I either come out after an hour looking like I am wearing nothing on my face, or I end up looking like a hooker after a two-day bender.


Some folks have a green thumb…I have Hands of Death.  Even fake plants die within a day or two of my care.


My mother spent countless years putting me through dance classes as a child.  Tap, Ballet, Jazz and finally the dance teacher told my mother to stop wasting her money.  When I dance, everyone stops, forms a circle around me and calls the paramedics about a person having a seizure.


When I discovered that I couldn’t even create a living Chia Pet, I decided to try owning a fish.  The pet store gave me a cute little Beta and I put it in a cute little fish bowl.  Every day of its very short existence, it would leap out of the bowl and try to commit suicide.  On its third day with me, it succeeded in killing itself.  I am positive that somewhere in that fish bowl was a tiny suicide note that explained how it could not take one more day of the insane lady tapping and singing.  A few years later I tried to own another Beta.  I gave it a bigger tank that had a lid.  It swam into a little plastic tree and never came back out.  It died there five days later.  I am terrified to know what would happen if I walked through the New England Aquarium……


I would have to say my biggest problem would be my mouth.  I never know what will come out of it.  Sometimes my words do not match my thoughts.  These are my most famous word mess ups that many friends and my husband will never let me live down.

Chris was driving me over to his grandparents house when I heard on the radio that a tornado might be heading toward our area.  When we got through the door, I ran up to his grandmother and said, “I just heard on the news, there is a torpedo heading right at us!”

A few weeks after I gave birth to Mark, the doctor decided I needed a biopsy.  It was in a not nice place, and I was already dealing with the stress of being a new mother…So after the procedure I went with Chris to visit a bunch of our friends at a coffee-house.  I announced to all my friends that I was suffering Post Mortem Depression after my Autopsy….

When Mark was a toddler he got into everything and everything went into his mouth.  No matter how hard I tried to baby proof, he would always manage to find something he shouldn’t have.  One time he got a hold of a small porcelain rooster and he was diligently sucking the paint off of it.  Being a new mother I panicked, grabbed the soggy rooster and nearly killed myself getting to the phone.  I frantically dialed the poison control center.  When the operator answered and asked what our emergency was, I sobbed into the phone, ” My toddler got to the rooster, and he sucked on its head so hard that all the color is gone!”  The operator responded, “Lady, it sounds like you better call a Vet!!”




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