Today I will face daunting challenges of dizzying terror and life threatening circumstances. I must see the dentist. The last time I saw a dentist I was a teenager and I was so afraid of the drill that I had the dentist simply pull out three teeth rather than fix them. Now at thirty-eight I must face the evil torturer again. I wouldn’t bother but I can no longer ignore the throbbing right side of my face. The idea of blending a steak dinner does not appeal to me. Therefore in case there is a bizarre and unforeseen accident involving the dentist, random dental tools and myself, I am writing out this letter for my family.
To My Loving Husband and Children,
I leave to you all of my worldly possessions including:
One male ferret, all dishes, cutlery and glasses (you will find them in the sink), all the dirty laundry, all important documents, certificates and papers (check the junk drawer or maybe under the microwave, perhaps the lower intestine of the ferret), and I give all my monies to my children. (In other words, check Daddy’s pockets for change, kids!)
To My Dearest Husband and Partner,
I leave our two young little children to your care. (Don’t turn your back on them! Not without battle gear!) The numbers for their doctors, teachers and a good exorcist are on the fridge. Just remember, when times are tough, you can always run away from home when the youngest hits eighteen.
To My Darling Daughter,
I leave to you all of my clothing so you may have material to slip-cover your bedroom or create funny tents for playing, also good for costume parties! All of my jewelry that you have not already broken or borrowed you may keep as well. It is all original jewelry, well, originally from Avon so it’s not worth much, but it is shiny. Enjoy!
To My Wonderful Son,
I leave to you all of my books since you are the only one who enjoys to read like me! Of course, you might wish to give away the romance novels, and do not be fooled by the covers of any V.C. Andrews books, it is not what you think! Just hand those ones to Daddy, okay? All of my horror and suspense novels are yours to enjoy and remember if you read late at night be prepared to avoid windows, showers, drains, shadows, trees,etc. In fact, maybe you should only read these before noon.
To My Adorable Ferret,
I leave to you all of my shoes, sandals, teabags, facial wipes, deodorant bottles, nylons, socks and tampon boxes. After all, they are already missing and somewhere within your hiding place.
Nancy Jean Casey