What Kind of Mother Would….be me?

I have enough guilt to make the Catholic Church seem like a college party.

What kind of mother would:

Allow her son to live on chicken nuggets and fries?

Take her boy to an ancient nurse that is holding a huge needle, croaking out in a crone’s voice, “This won’t hurt a bit.  Knock off your screaming now!”

Shove boots on her child that she knows may never come back off?

Raise two children that managed to kill three fish?

Bond with her kids over horror movies?

Encourage her daughter in art that is in the form of zombie galleries?

Watch her children create a realistic guillotine, let them chop the heads off ten Barbie dolls, eight Disney Princess dolls and praise them for it!

Not mind that her beloved babies tell folks with a straight face that their mother is utterly insane.

Force her twelve-year-old to do laundry and her nine-year old to dry and put away dishes.

Listen to her kids call her nicknames like, “servant” and “slave”  Examples: “Hey, Servant, get me some more juice”  “Slave Mom!  Stop reading that book, I am telling you to do something for me!”

Have a daughter who feels different from the rest of the world and want her mother to explain why.  And the mother has no answer.

Get so angry at her autistic/bipolar/OCD son that she runs into her bedroom and screams into her pillow, “Why can’t you just be NORMAL?”

Not just put her cigarettes down forever without a thought, when she is asked to by her concerned children.  Instead uses medications, hypnosis and God knows what, hoping it will catch on.

Have a son that swears and threatens to kill others when he gets angry.

Have a daughter that is jealous of her brother’s severe problems and wishes she could have a “vacation” at the Hunt Psychiatric Center?

Watch her son put his fists through a door and feel relief that this temper storm wasn’t too bad.

Let her daughter watch three hours of television because that allowed her son to use the computer for three hours?

Time everything she does down to the last second so it won’t upset the children?

Take a job scaring the hell out of folks because it’s the best relief she has ever felt?

Feel so guilty over mistakes in the past that she creates mistakes in the present?

Watch her son roll across the floors while screaming and react by putting in earphones and listen to a musical.  Find herself staring at her flinging- about son and find herself timing him to her music.

Hold her daughter tightly, listen to her crying and have no response but to cry with her.

Hear that her daughter has a reading disability and Aspergers Syndrome and not even blink? Because she already knew..

Own ferrets that poop all over the place and scare the neighbors to death?

Allow the dust to accumulate so much that messages can be written all over the house?

Lose her dining room table under paperwork?

Let her house get so messy sometimes that it becomes a hazard to visitors?

Have days that were so busy or crazy that she never has time to brush out her hair or brush her teeth?

What kind of mother would…be me?  I am utterly insane.  I really do all these things.  It makes me wonder how my children would have turned out if they had a better, more perfect mother?  Their births did not include a manual, and Lord knows, I have never been a great example for anything but what NOT to do or be.  Yet there are a few things I can offer them.  I  have a crazed, huge love for my babes.  I have a loyalty to them and a burning belief in them and their abilities.  I have a sense of bizarre humor that keeps me alive and from saying or doing bad things to them.  I have a true belief that if I did not have my two children, I might not be here today.  Though I have no idea how to get rid of my guilt, I hope that someday my kids will look back on their nutty mother and have huge belly laughs that make them cry, when they are reminiscing…or at least make a lot of money writing the book about “My Crazed Mother”!

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